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I was wrong. :( Late one night in January, Mr. Rocks said to me, rather sleepily, "Ya know, there is a part of me that just wants you to be "Dr/Mrs Smith" after the wedding. It was late, we were both tired, so I just made some kind of non-committal sound and we went to sleep. He did not mention it again, and a few weeks went by. This whole, time, his comment was weighing on my mind. I finally brought it up to him (during daylight hours, when we could actually talk about it).
Now, this is why Mr. Rocks is so amazing. He basically said he wanted me to be happy with whatever name changes we did. Bottom line - that was what was important to him. After some more prodding, he did say that yes - he always imagined when he got married his wife would take his last name. And honestly, I want to make him happy. I want this to be a decision that we are both happy with.
But I don't know what to do. The way I see it, I have a few options:
1) I alone could hyphenate my last name and be "Dr. Jones" professionally and "Mrs. Smith" in my personal life. I really, really, really dislike this idea. I want my last name to be the same as Mr. Rocks last name.
2) I could just take "Smith" as my last name - personally and professionally. Really, I am just starting out in my career....I'm would not be the only woman who changed her last name in academia....so it would not be so terrible. However - I am the only one in my family with a PhD. I am very proud to be the only "Dr. Jones" and I am not sure I am ready to give that up.
3) We could go back to "plan A." But then again, I want to make sure Mr. Rocks is happy with the plan too.
4) We could just totally combine out last names into a whole new last name: "Slymer" Honestly, there is a part of me that really likes this idea. But then again, my last name would be "Slymer"
Any suggestions from the peanut gallery? I am still very unsure of what to do!
Use your maiden name as your professional name - that way you pay homage to your family name.
ReplyDeleteThe Norm in the USA is for the wife to take the husbands last name. Everyone assumes that. You assume that all the time. Your mother took your fathers last name (which you want to pay homage to). Nobody thinks any less of her. They think of her as an Individual 1st, Mother 2nd, and Wife 3rd (without regard to her last name). If you choose not to take your husbands name it will only complicate your lives - you and your husband will spend your lifetimes explaining that decision. The world is not structured at all for your husband to change his name. NOBODY expects your husband to change his last name - he will have to explain that anytime he has to talk about himself. It will come up every time he has to fill out an application (they don't have a male equivalent for maiden name). It is forever. Is it worth it? What do you lose by taking his last name? Nobody will think any less of you (personally or professionally) for doing what everybody is already expecting you to do! You are a strong and powerful person with your own unique identity - you don't need to prove it. Talk to (but more importantly - listen to) the married women in your life - especially those women that chose to not take their husbands name. Ask them if in the grand scheme of things it made a difference for the better in their lives. Above all, if you choose not to take your husbands name, make sure that he is happy (not just accepting) about it, because, you are sending him a message, and it is forever. Again, is it worth it?
It's such a tricky question, I wonder about it sometimes (hypothetically of course!!!). I always thought that I would change my name, both personally and professionally, when I got married. But now I've got my PhD and published a bit, I don't want to lose that. Or my last name! My current thought is that I would take their name personally and keep mine professionally or hyphonate. None of the options seem perfect, but in the end you have to do what your gut tells you - this is a decision that will (hopefully) last the rest of your life!
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